Here are some handy rules to live by when you're in the process of becoming intoxicated:

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that the open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand close to the nearest dog, complain about house-training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to but you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette utts.
FAULT: You've fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You're being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you're being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

(Thanks Sanj.)